Let me explain. It IS important for our children to be kind and respectful to others. To share with others. But…. expecting our children to just drop what they are doing, the second another child asks them to, isn’t what we should be teaching our children. When we put it that way, it’s a little unrealistic, don’t you think?
How many times are we guilt of this. Our child is playing with a toy or book. Another child, or even their sibling comes over and wants it. So what do we say, “share your toy with your sister.” Or, “share your book with Jimmy.” We think that we are teaching them to share by expecting them to immediately hand the toy over.
This causes two problems. One, it teaches our kids to share for the wrong reasons, because we told them to, not because they want to! And Two, it teaches them that sharing is miserable because they have to give up their things, before they are done playing with them.
That is not how things work in the real world. We don’t walk up to one another and demand what they have right then. No, we ask if we can use it when they are done. And we want to teach our children the same thing. To willingly hand over their toy or book when they are done, and let others have a turn.
So instead of forcing them to hand over their toys on the spot, we need to teach them to stand up for themselves, take turns, and be willing to share when they are done. We want our children to be able to say, “No, you can’t have it right now, but you can have it when I am done.” That is a healthy response.
How do we start to teach sharing differently?
First, we have to stop telling our kids to give up their things, right now! No more of that. Even to keep the peace.
Second, teach your child to stand up for themselves. When a child takes a toy from them, teach your child to tell them to stop. Vocabulary like…
“I am going to play with this until I am done and then you can have it.”
“I am not done, when I am finished you can have a turn.”
“Please don’t take my toy away, you can have it when I am done.”
“You need to wait your turn, right now it’s my turn”
Third, teach empathy. A willingness to share will come from our children when they can think about others and consider their feelings. Need some help teaching your children empathy. Click here for all the tips and tricks.
Forth, don’t force your child to share. Instead, understand that young children under 5 have a hard time understanding why they have to give up something of theirs. They struggle with empathy because they are so young. So instead of forcing, model empathy and sharing yourself, and let the natural consequences teach them. If they don’t share, kids wont want to play with them. If they steal other’s toys, kids wont want to play with them. Those are feelings they will understand and will help modify their behavior. Be sure you teach as the experiences happen, so your kids can put all the pieces together. In the mean time, be sure you are a good example. Share with them, and encourage other family members to model appropriate sharing behavior also.
It’s true, kids don’t have to share….immediately. Let’s teach them to be assertive and help them develop empathy for others so they WANT to share, instead of forcing them.
P.S. If you live in Northern Utah, mark your calendars for May 7th. The LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER Show is back and on May 7th we are going to “raise the roof” and celebrate Motherhood. The show is in its third year and has proven to be fantastic. Hope you will join us.
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Jaime says
Great Post! I think this is especially important for those of us raising girls! We have to teach them to stand up for themselves, instead of just to ‘be nice’, and it starts young by allowing them to say no. It also builds their self worth to know that they equally deserve to have the toy…that they don’t have to give it away the first time another child demands it. Tips on standing up (nicely) to other parents who demand your child shares would be helpful!
Carrie says
Excellent advice. Spelling needs a little help though.
Heather says
I agree! Our daughter who will be 6 in a month is an only child and has had to learn this skill from others and us as her parents as she doesn’t have a constant sibling vying for her things. As such, we have never encouraged her to share just because someone has told her to do so, but to be polite and “show and share” meaning “let me show you how I play and then you can have a turn.” The waiting part of a turn also teaches patience, which is another valuable life lesson too.
Erin says
Yes! Thank you for article. My husband and I read something similar to this a while ago and it really resonated with us but I can’t find it. I agree with Jaime that tips for politely sharing this view with other parents in the moment would be wonderful!
Mack says
While I can see the point you are trying to make, what you have descried is not, in fact, sharing. To share is to “have a portion of (something) with another or others” (the definition is from Google). What is talked about above is teaching your children to be compliant. My girls know that when I tell them to share, that they should be kind to one another and enjoy the toy/ book together. Telling one child to give something to another can, in my experience, enforce the idea of children thinking that whomever has to give the item up is less important/ valid) thinking.
Saroja B says
This is amazing. Parents usually force the elder kid to share the things immediately where the kid might feel neglected. This is truly helpful to make both the kids treated equally and to make them feel considered all the time. Thank you for sharing the great idea about the parenting.
The Idea Room Assistant says
Saroja- Glad you found this post helpful. Thanks for following along.
Amy, I think it is a good thing to teach your children to share and care. We need to teach them that we do not lose anything by sharing. It only strengthens a relationship and helps one to fit in to society. This is a good blog though I fail to match your views.
Kirti Thanks for your comment and thank you for following along.
It’s a good one you have pointed out, like the same way we have to teach them that they should not ask other child’s toy while they are still playing. By doing like this they will learn empathy.
Julie- Great point! Thanks for your comments!